


Meet me in the Afterglow

by CyclesOfCie



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Angst, Drinking, Idiots in Love, Jealousy, Love, M/M, Party, Post-Canon, Pre-Epilogue, intese emotions, pynch - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-13
Updated: 2019-10-01
Packaged: 2020-10-17 09:24:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20618726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CyclesOfCie/pseuds/CyclesOfCie
Summary: "Blue was laying down with her head rested in Gansey's lap as her feet brushed Adams thigh in a way that made Ronan recall why he had hated her so much to begin with. She was like an oblivius bee queen that attracted the worship of all the males around her. Ronan was very happy to be immune to her but that didn't mean he wasn't sad to see the rest of his species entranced. When he looked at her purple-painted nails brushing against Adam, he could feel it beginning, like a flame making its first move, fueled by the alcohol rushing through his blood."Adam has invited the gang over to the Barns for a party. Blue gets very drunk, Gansey gets very Gansey, Ronan gets very jealous, Henry is there and Adam doesn't get what's going on at all.





	1. A Love Letter Written in Thorns

**Author's Note:**

> Hi. It's been so long since I've last wrote a fan-fiction but I've been a long time lurker in this fandom, so I thought I might as well give it a go. I have almost written the entire thing but it still needs to be sharpened in some of the last parts are only half finished. I only say this to stress that I will finish it, pinky promise and all. English is my second language (danish here) so there may be some mistakes and all that, but I read quite a lot in English, so here's to hoping that comes across in my writing. The title is taking from Taylor Swift´s “Afterglow” by the way.  
Thank you for reading. I will love you, if you write me a comment. I'm very simple like that. Enjoy.

“What's mine is yours now, Parrish,” Ronan said the first time he took Adam out to dinner. That had been the beginning of their first ever argument as a couple. Words as well as a crumpled twenty dollar bill had been thrown and it culminated with them making out heavily in the backseat of the BMW, Ronan's head in between his thighs and fogged windows above them. That was the night Adam learned that despite how good Ronan was at sex, he was even better at makeup sex, which came as no surprise at all.

It still frustrated Adam to no end that he had to put things back on the shelf and replace them with cheaper options, but he would always prefer that over being owned. What's mine is yours was for some day in the future when he had something to give back. For now he insisted on buying the snacks for the party because he had been the one to invite their friends over. Ronan had grunted in a way that let Adam know that he was neither happy nor willing to fight yet another battle over it.

Ronan was asleep on the couch when he arrived at the Barns. It was such a rare sight to see him sleep that he did not want to wake him. Instead he walked into the kitchen and emptied the grocery bag with the help, or sabotage, of Opel who kept wanting to see everything he pulled out of the bag up close as if she was checking whether or not the new objects were safe.

Lately Ronan had barely left the Barns. He had gone over to Monmouth a few times, Ninos even fewer and Aglionby only once to hand in some books and a rude remark that probably could have gotten him expelled had he not already dropped out. He even went to Washington for the weekend and came back not wanting to see anyone for days. Adam had never seen him so depressed but Ronan changed the subject whenever he tried to help. Adam still discussed it with Gansey, who being Gansey, was always willing to indulge in any kind of worrying over Ronan. They agreed that it probably all came down to two things. Guilt and grief. “Ronan is as delicate as he is sharp,” Gansey had said which felt fitting. A lot had happened in such a short span of time and none of them had really been the same since the night Gansey died.

Ronan's mood however was more complicated than that. It was sometimes as if the grief almost heightened the newfound joy he had in exploring this thing growing rapidly between them. In the beginning they never talked about it. There was no what do you want, are you ready, have you ever.  
Every boundary had been set wordlessly, every desire expressed by hands moving, always slow enough to be stopped. When ronan had tried to pull at the hem of Adams shirt, he had removed his hands, guiding them elsewhere. As much as he wanted to feel Ronans bare chest against his own, he did not want to show the scars on his chest and back. They still felt like horror stories meant to be hidden, a dirty secret soaked into skin, highlighting that there were parts of him that could never be undone no matter how hard he worked, studied, observed. Ronan had tried to take it off a few more times and then left it at that. It wasn't until Ronan came home from his weekend in Washington, that Adam had pulled his own T-shirt over his head for the first time.

“Does it still hurt anywhere?” Ronan had asked.

He knew it didn't. And Adam knew what he was really asking. What he wanted to know was this; Is there anywhere you dont want me to se. Is there anywhere I cant touch.

“No,” Adam said and ran his thumb over the back of Ronan´s neck. “It looks worse than it is.”

Ronan had kissed his chest worshipfully and slow as if he had just found a second way to breathe. Then he whispered something that Adams mind since found itself drifting towards whenever it wandered. “You are so fucking beautiful, it's excruciating.”

When Ronan finally woke, Adam was sitting on the opposite sofa with an open book on his knee, a highlighter in his hand and a notepad on the table between them.

“How long have you been here?” Ronan asked, his voice still sleepy and soft.

Adam looked up. “Just a couple of hours.”

“You could have woken me.”

“I needed to study. And you needed the sleep, so you can be at your best behaviour tonight.”

“Even my best behaviour is questionable.”

“Clearly I already know that.” Adam looked down at his book again and then darted his eyes back up when he heard Ronan sigh. “Let me finish this chapter.”

“Can't we just cancel the thing and fuck instead?”

Adam shook his head but there was still a smile at the corner of his mouth. “It will be good for you. Socializing with someone who didn't come from your dreams.”

“Are you counting yourself into that equation?”

Adam flipped him off in a mock imitation and once again tried to read. He barely reached the end of the page, before he could feel Ronan standing behind him, leaning over the back of the sofa. “When are they going to be here?”

“In two hours or so, I think,” Adam mumbled.

“Off with the clothes then, Parrish.”

Adam could feel his lips against his neck and he knew he had lost.

\---

There was nothing Ronan loved more than taking Adam apart. He loved unbinding his tie, watching the Aglionby uniform that Adam kept so meticulously clean and straight, fall to the ground, piece by piece. Then he would kiss him harder, allow him the kind of friction that was enticing but not nearly enough, revel in every sound, every taste, every nerve ending asking to be touched.

“Ronan,” Adam begged and pulled him closer. His voice was so lustful and breathless. The sound of him openingly wanting something so desperately and asking for it from someone who wasn't himself. Ronan knew it was a rare thing. Ronan knew a lot of things. Most of these had been acquired through pain. Sometimes he found himself wishing that he could unlearn them again, know less just so that he could feel less. The thing he knew with the most certainty though, something he knew with both pain and radiant bliss, was that he was in love with Adam Parrish in a way that was as irreversible as the sun.

As they were laying in bed, post-orgasm, Adams head on his chest, he felt it even more. The enormity and the fragility of them. These were they moments where he almost said it. But he had a way of wounding people with his words both with and without intention. He didn't trust them and so he tried not to say too much, to let what needed to be known, be known through movements instead.

When he pushed hard against Adam, it was; _don't leave._ It was;_ this is how bad I want you._

When Ronans hands were in Adams hair and he was looking at him in a way that was even more obvious than what it used to be, it was;_ you are too beautiful to be real._

Whenever there was a quiet moment between them it was; _I love you, I love you, I love you._

Every arrogant and sarcastic remark Ronan ever made towards him was a love letter written in thorns and Adam seemed to know this better than anyone.

“We need to get ready,” Adam said as he ran his hand down Ronans exposed back, following the lines of his tattoo.

“They're going to be late, anyway.”

“I don't really want to be naked in your bed when they get here.”

“It's a good look on you, though,” Ronan said.

Adam rolled his eyes but kissed him again anyway. This time it was slower, more tender, not leading towards sweat or the kind of needy lust they excelled at. It still made Ronan lose interest in anything that existed outside of the confines of the bed they lay sprawled on. For all he cared Adam could be the beginning of the world and the end of it too.


	2. You do nothing and it could slip away. You do everything and it could slip away too.

Ronan's scene had never really been parties.

It wasn't that he avoided them but he never sought them out either. Instead what he chased was more elusive. He craved the rush of the extreme, whether that came from breaking the rules, speeding, drinking or going places no rational being would ever go. Some of these places had in the past been parties. Most of them held by Kavinsky. They had made everything around him feel heightened, more alive in the way things can feel alive for those who no longer really want to live.

This was very different from that. For one they were only five people and there was no deafening music trying to numb whatever sense you had left in you. There were no drugs, no broken or soon to be broken cars. No people who cared very little for anyone present including themself. Only the comforts of the barns. The old days as far gone as Kavinsky.

Now what Ronan craved more than anything was the attention of the blue-eyed boy who was greeting people in the doorway as if it was their home. It almost made him as happy to think that as it made him miserable to remember how Adam would most likely never want to settle down in Henrietta, let alone a place that felt so much like the inside of Ronan’s head.

“It's good to see your still alive,” Blue said when she walked in. She was wearing something that looked more like a costume or a creature than a dress. It was dark-blue and obscure, the kind of beauty that were reserved for the brave.

“I wish I could say the same about you, Sargent, but you know I don't lie,” Ronan answered. She elbowed him while making a face. They still spoke to each other the same way they always had. The only thing that had really changed was the tone and intentions. There was no longer any real malice in his voice.

Blue turned away from him as if to leave but then she spun around again and put her arms around his neck. It was clearly meant to be a hug but ended up looking more like an ambushment because of his resistance to hug her back.

“What's with her?” he mimed to Gansey over her shoulder.

“She started drinking a little early. Something about a bad grade.”

“You are such an asshole, Ronan Lynch. Every time I don't see you for three weeks I am going to hug you, so if you want to avoid that, you better plan your time better.” Blue went to sit on the couch near where the beers were lined up on the coffee table. She quickly picked one out and opened it. “Also I am not drunk.”

“I never said you were,” Gansey quickly retorted and then muttered under his breath. “But you are going to be soon.”

Ronan looked away from them and spotted Chang talking to Adam in the doorway. He had a bottle of wine in his hands as if he had thought he had been invited to some fancy ass dinner party. Ronan was still not sure about him. He had to admit that both of Gansey's two previous adoptions, Adam and Blue, had worked out well for him in the end, but that didn't mean that he did not automatically dislike anyone who tried to disrupt the balance of their group.

“How's life away from Aglionby? You're doing okay?” Gansey asked and gently put a hand on Ronan's shoulder in the same manner a father would to his son.

Ronan scowled at him.

“Don't be like that, I'm just worried about you. Being here. Alone. After everything."

Ronan sighed. “You need to give up that creepy dream of yours that i'm going to turn into some academic miracle you can show off.”

“Who said anything about academia. All I am asking is how you are doing.”

“I'm doing fine.” Gansey raised his eyebrows as if encouraging him to go on which he had no problem in doing. “Especially since Parrish started putting out more. That has been great.”

Gansey sighed audibly. In the other end of the room Ronan spotted Adam rolling his eyes while looking slightly embarrassed.

“Is this going to be a regular thing then? You referring to your sex life, whenever there's something you don't want to talk about?” Gansey asked. He walked over to the couch and sat down next to Blue who was already watching them with amusement in her eyes.

Ronan shrugged. “We can talk about something else. How is your sex life going, Gansey?”

Blue turned her face to look at Gansey. Her eyes were like daggers pointed at him, daring him to answer the question. Ronan smiled. In that moment Ronan couldn't remember why he had isolated himself so much from them to begin with.

It didn't take long for all of them to get hammered. In fact it didn't even take until midnight before Adam was the last sober one left. At some point of the night they were all sitting on the floor, Adam was sipping out of his cola can and wore the look of someone who knew they were the last fully functioning person left in a room. Blue was laying down with her head rested in Gansey´s lap as her feet brushed Adams thigh in a way that made Ronan recall why he had hated her so much to begin with. She was like an oblivius bee queen that attracted the worship of all the males around her. Ronan was very happy to be immune to her but that didn't mean he wasn't sad to see the rest of his species entranced. When he looked at her purple-painted nails brushing against Adam, he could feel it beginning, like a flame making its first move, fueled by the alcohol rushing through his blood.

Henry had been the one to suggest that they play truth or dare which made Ronan lean even more towards not liking him. The game reached its peak of boringness when Gansey dared Blue to drink a glass full of water, which she in turn refused strongly, as if he had suggested something vulgar. Ronan leaned back and tuned out while discreetly placing his hand on top of Adam's. Suddenly Blue was standing right in front of him. He gave her a surprised look before she leaned in to kiss his forehead and then quickly retreating.

“What the fuck?” Ronan said as he wiped his forehead with the palm of his hand.

“I dared her to kiss the person she would most like to marry if Gansey wasn't an option,” Henry explained. There was the trace of disappointment in his voice as if he had hoped to be the one chosen which he most likely would have been had she taken the game seriously.

“Wise choice, Sargent. Pick the only guy in the room whose not even attracted to girls.”

“We could rule the world together and you know it, Lynch.”

“The dare was actually to kiss the person on the mouth, though,” Henry pointed out.

“You don't put your lips on a snake's mouth unless you want to be bitten,” Blue remarked which made everyone except Ronan laugh. Perhaps if he hadn't already been annoyed he would have found it funny, but as it was he found everything infuriating except for the soft press of Adams skin against his hand.

“Truth or dare, Lynch?” Blue said.

“Truth.”

“Who do dislike the most in this room?”

“You,” Ronan quickly answered as if it was the easiest question in the world.

“Why Blue?” Gansey already sounded alert.

“She's the most manipulative. She likes to first get the attention of every guy in the room and then pretend she is caught in a web that isn't her own.”

“Ronan,” Gansey hissed firmly. “Enough.”

“It was a joke. Your the one who asked the question. ”

“I think I'm going to go get a refill,” Adam said and got up from the floor. He tapped Ronans shoulder. “Get up, you're coming with me."

Ronan was only happy to leave the circle. Lately he felt such ambiguity towards his friends. One moment he looked at them and it was as if nothing had happened. They were still radiant and funny and made him feel like he had a place to belong. Still, next thing he knew he wanted everyone to fuck off. They were suddenly living reminders of all the things that could never be the same, their presence only pointed out how much like shadows they were now compared to the versions of themselves they left behind when Gansey died.With Adam it was different. Ronan had contrasting feelings towards him too but they were all somehow connected back to want, to stillness, to fire. They had barely made it to the kitchen before Ronan had him pressed up against the nearest surface while kissing his collarbone.

“This was not what I had in mind,” Adam said but he didn't sound displeased.

“What did you have in mind?”

“An intervention. I wanted to ask why you're on Blue so much.”

“I'm not on Blue.” Ronan placed a hand on the back of his neck and leaned closer until their lips were inches apart. “I'm on you, shithead.”

“You are such a disaster when you're drunk. You don't even know.” Adam still smiled while he said it and he let Ronan close the distance between them until they were making out lazely up against the counter. Adam's mouth was sweet, the taste of cola still lingering on his lips and Ronan wanted to be absorbed by it.

“You're gonna have to try to not look so fucking good or ...” Ronan whispered in his good ear. He moved his hands further down to grasp Adam’s ass.

Adam smirked and gently pushed a hand against Ronan´s chest. “You're too drunk to even do something about it.”

“I'm never too drunk for you. That amount would be deadly.”

There was a loud sound behind them which turned out to be Blue almost tripping over the doorstep and somehow hurting her toe in the process.

"Always so elegant," Adam teased. He loosened his grib around Ronan.

"Don't start. Everyone falls."

"Still, you seem to be struggling with gravity a lot tonight. I wonder why."

"Please tell your boyfriend to bite me," Blue said while looking at Ronan. Adam looked amused. Ronan did not.  
  
“How much have you had to drink, Blue?” Adam asked.

“I don't know. Gansey had too much, though. He is beginning to think he is my dad, which he clearly isn't, because my dad is a tree. And Lynch clearly thinks i'm the devil, so.”

It wasn't really funny but the remark still made Adam smile in a way that pulled at something in Ronan´s chest. He felt a sudden urge to tell her to fuck off, but he stopped himself just in time and managed to let the anger show itself on his face only.

“I guess Gansey is kind of a tree now, technically. Thanks to Cabeswater,” Adam said. He turned his head towards Ronan and something in his expression changed. “You okay there?”

Ronan just nodded and stepped away from him.

“I'm gonna go check on Opel. I think she's still outside,” Ronan said.

“You sure?”

“You're not leaving because of me, are you?” Blue asked.

“No,” he said firmly and then turned to Adam. “I handle my liquor a lot better than Sargent. Don't worry.”

As he was leaving, he forced himself not to look back to see if they were still standing as close. He wanted to say something but he knew it would get out of control if he did. It was either ignoring it or letting his illogical, crazy jealousy burn the night to the ground. He closed the door and walked into the dark, not so much looking for Opel, who wandered off all the time without harm, as just looking to get away from everyone.

He was torn between the feeling of wanting to punch someone and wanting to be punched himself. In the past he would have sought out situations that were bound to offer either or both. Not since Adam, though.

He kept walking. His thoughts no more quiet because of this. He wanted to close his eyes and not be haunted by how easy it was to lose what you loved. You do nothing and it could slip away. You do everything and it could slip away too.

What it all came down to was this; since the moment Ronan had seen Adam for the first time, he had been certain of what he felt. Even when he tried to hate him, even them he tried to lie to himself about it, it had still been there, hidden away underneath everything else. Adam had experienced the same, but his feelings had not been aimed back at Ronan. He had wanted Blue and Ronan had just been there to watch it all unfold. To hear him say: “she is so gorgeous” at Ninos, to see him blush and crumple as Gansey tried to be a wingman, to see him talk to her, look at her, want her so much. He even sent her flowers. Adam goddamn Parrish had flowers delivered to her house. It had hurt in a way Ronan had never really fully allowed himself to admit. Adam had been so desperate to know her, to kiss her, to be near her in such an open way, a luxury Ronan had never allowed himself, because his affection felt too doomed to even express.

He knew so much had changed since then but a little part of him was still waiting for Adam to just leave. He pities you, a voice in his head would say. You are just a thing for now. Something he can entertain himself with before he leaves Henrietta for good. You saw how badly he wanted Blue. You should know better than anyone that these things never go away. You are what he settled for, when he couldn't have what he wanted.

Ronan tried to not to believe it. Not to look at Adam with the question in his eyes. However in the darkness, his feelings heightened by alcohol and the image of her foot brushing his thigh, him laughing at her drunken joke, it was a lost battle. He could feel a cold tear run down his cheek, made colder by the wind. Don't ruin it, he told himself over and over and over.

He stopped on his walk back to the house, his silhouette covered by the shadows of the trees. They were on the porch. Blue was holding the neck of a beer bottle, sitting with her knees close together while she looked up at Adam who was passing back and forth.

She put the bottle down and walked to him. She put a hand on each of his shoulders. He looked at her with such an intense expression.

He's going to kiss her, Ronan thought for a moment.

He didn't, but they were still standing close. Closer than they had to. Then she let go of his shoulders. Ronan barely had time to feel relieved before she had her arms around him. They stayed like that for a long time. Ronan closed his eyes, feeling the sensation of a fall deeper than if he had actually been falling.

When he opened them again they were standing apart from each other. Adam had that smile on his face. She went back inside and left him standing there, his arms crossed, still that look in his eyes, the one Ronan knew so well, because he had watched him closer than anyone else. He knew what Adam Parrish looked like when he was in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments and kudos are always appreciated.


	3. A Gathering for Young Lost Souls

Adam was used to being the only sober one at parties. By now he was even used to the way it sharpened Ronan's tongue, made his lips taste like beer, his hands and mind wander quicker to impossible places. He had given up trying to understand a drunk Ronan, because a sober one was complicated enough to begin with. A drunk Blue on the other hand was something he was far less familiar with. He had encountered a tipsy Blue, a very tipsy Blue, an overtired Blue who acted like a tipsy one and the type of Blue that really needed a drink. Those he knew, some of them too well, but this Blue was new.

He watched her as she sat down on the floor and rested her head against the cabinets. Her eyes were red and tired and so alive in a distant way. He got out a glass and filled it with water before handing it to her. She accepted but immediately placed it next to herself on the floor without drinking first.

“I’m sorry Ronan’s being so … Ronan towards you tonight,” he said.

“Let's not be those people who apologizes on our boyfriend's behalf. That's going to be a full-time job for you,” she said firmly and then while looking up at him asked: “You’re not angry at me then?” 

“Why would I be angry?” 

“Because I cockblocked you.”

“I never thought the day would come where I would hear Blue Sargent use the word cockblock. Please drink the water.“ He couldn't help but grin at her. He crunched down so they were at eye-height again. “To be honest it’s not really a kink of mine to hook up while my friends are in the next room. If anything you saved me from turning Ronan down.”

“You have an interesting turning down process.”

“Shut up.”

“Shut up yourself,” she teased and then closed her arms around her legs. “I feel kinda sick.”

“You look it too.”

“You know what _ you _ look like?” She tilted her head slightly.

“What?”

“No, I can't say. You're just smiling so much, it’s strange to see.“

“I'm with my friends. How is that strange?”

“You were smiling a lot more after Ronan grabbed your ass than you were before.” 

“You’re all so drunk, it's -” 

“You're drunk too,” she interrupted. “From being so in love.” 

Adam immediately tensed up. He tried to hide it. To not let her see how much that statement scared him but it must have been written all over his face, because she quickly backed out. 

“That's not my - that's too early to even … think about. Sorry,” Blue said. 

“It's okay."

“Love, its … it's not just saying the words or being sure. You know. That's like not even half of it.” She watched him closely as if trying to evaluate how much damage she had caused. “Do I need to get Gansey?” 

“No. What you need to do is drink the water,” Adam answered and got back up on his feet. “I'm going to go help Ronan.” 

He left her there in the kitchen and walked outside. He tried to spot Ronan, but he was nowhere to be seen in the dark. He could have gone off in any direction, so Adam just sat down on the porch. He looked down on his hands. They looked thinner, more pale in the dark. Why Ronan was so fixated on them he did not understand. To him they just looked like hands tired of trying to grasp onto things so tightly. 

He wished he had changed. That love was not such a foreign concept. He had never said those words to anyone. He had never heard anyone say them to him. It was like a language he wanted to be fluent in even though he barely knew the alphabet. And the way Blue said it like it was simple, like it was natural, it made him feel like he had failed a test he had been preparing himself for so long, only yet again to be exposed as the imposter he was. 

It was not that he didn't love Ronan. It was more that he couldn't grasp how he was supposed to know whether or not he did. 

That was probably why Gansey had been worried. _Don't break him, Adam_. Maybe he would break Ronan and in turn Ronan would break him too. Maybe that was another kind of measurement of love far beyond his comprehension. 

He had been sitting there for almost ten minutes when he heard the door creek. Next thing he knew he was no longer sitting there alone. He didn't even look up when he felt Blue’s presence next to him. She was holding a beer bottle and from the corner of his eyes he spotted the blanket from the living room wrapped around her shoulders. It had the exact same blue color as the shade of his own eyes on one side and on the other the dusty color of his hair. The fabric was softer than anything Adam had ever touched as if the texture of it was made from dreams. He had never asked Ronan about it. It had been there before they got together. 

“Never made it past the terrace, _huh_?" Blue said. 

He didn’t answer. He kept looking down at his hands. 

“Please don’t over complicate this.” 

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about the thing you're thinking about, Adam Parrish, magician and king of overthinking things.” 

He did not dignify this with a comment. 

“Are you mad at me now?” 

“I’m tired, Blue. Besides, it’s not like I’m the only one who doesn’t want to talk about things here. The Blue I know would never drinks like this.” 

“We’re talking about you. Don’t deflect on me.” 

“But I'm not wrong am I?” 

“Gansey said he really wants to take next year off to travel … He wants me to come with him. Henry too. He showed me these brochures of places that I would never be able to afford ever and when I told him this - he just said it made no difference for him if he payed for one more person.” 

“Gansey at his finest,” Adam snorted. 

“Yeah. It’s harder to get mad at him now though - after he died.” 

“I’m sure you do your best.” He bumped her knee with his own. The air was cold and when none of them said anything it was so quiet. There was only the sound of insects to remind you that time was passing.

“For the last few days I’ve just been checking out cheaper alternatives. Maybe hiking … but I was sitting in my bed while searching for all of this and it just hit me. I can’t just go. They need me here. My mom, my aunts, you guys.” 

“Do you want to go?” he asked her. “Because if you do, you should go, but do it on your own terms instead of his. Things will be different next year no matter what. I leave for university for one." 

“Yeah, maybe,” she said in a far-away dreamily voice as if she was also thinking about something else. 

“Or if you want to do both you could just get very drunk at a party and fall down a lot. That will clearly solve things.” 

She laughed. “This is barely even a party. More like a gathering. A gathering for young lost souls.” 

“Christ,” Adam said and shook his head. “I don’t even know if this was a good idea. I wanted to cheer him up and it worked like half of the night and now - now I don’t even know where he is.”

Blue looked at him with such fondness that it almost annoyed him. 

“What?”

“Nothing.” 

They were quiet for a moment until Blue spoke again. 

“It’s kind of like in the school yard. Those bastards in gym class who would say: “I suck at football” and then they ran out on the field and scored tree fucking goals.” 

“You are not making sense.” 

“You act like your so bad at this being in love thing but you invite all his friends over and plan all of this just to try and cheer him up. You drive up here so many times a week when he isolates himself. And the way you look at him, he looks at you, it's … maybe the words scare you, but it's pretty clear to the rest of us what it is.” 

“I’m just worried about him.”

Blue was looking at him like she was saying exactly. Maybe she was right. Maybe worry was just another branch of love. 

“I don’t know,” Adam said in a breathless way as if he’d been holding the air in without noticing it. 

“Just think about how he makes you feel. No one is a hundred percent sure about anything.” 

“Ronan is,” he pointed out.

“Ronan is rare.” She smiled at him in a way that felt understanding. “Just try.” 

“I guess I feel secure. Like, he's not just going to run out, because he sees something in me that's… “ _broken._ “... difficult.” 

Blue nodded. He wasn’t sure whether she was looking down at her feet so intensely because she somehow understood that she had been a very good example of running of or because she felt he was telling himself these things, more than he was telling her. 

“We laugh a lot. I don't get why he wanted me of all people, but ...”

“And he's _hot_,” Blue added.

This made Adam laugh, the tension leaving his shoulders with it. “He is.” 

“I will kill you if you ever tell him I said that.” Blue touched his shoulders and looked at him like she was seeing something in him for the first time. They were quiet for a moment before she said: “Good thing we didn't work out, huh?”

“So I could find someone better?”

“Better suited for you,” she corrected. _“Asshole.” _

“It was a lot easier getting him to kiss me than you.”

“Sorry for trying to save your life.” She held her arms across her chest in a playfully offended way. 

She winked at him and then put down her bottle so she could hug him. Adam felt warm at the thought of the beautiful dark-edged boy walking the night looking for his dreams and then coming back to him. He could feel the smile sneaking back onto his face. It was the rare kind of smile that only grow, when he tried to press it back down. The kind he was only recently getting familiar with. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have changed the number of chapters because this thing just grow so much in a way I had not expected. My plan is for all of it to be published by October 1'st (my birthday) As Always I hope you liked this chapter. It's not my favorite but I hope it's okay. Thank you for reading once again!


	4. I'm not your problem, Parrish

For Ronan isolation was a second nature. His first impulse was always anger. When that failed him, he would lock himself in a room, listen to deafening music and drink until he felt numb, because it wasn't enough to be far away from everyone else, he wanted to be far away from himself too. He wanted to reach that point where his body was no longer his but just some wrecked thing left in a room no one wanted to be in. 

He tried not to imagine them there on the porch. The rational part of him knew they would never kiss. Blue would never do that to Gansey and Adam would never do that to Gansey either. He did not have it in him to think _ or to me _. Blue was a bitch for not knowing that Adam's affection for her had not faded and Adam was …

Adam was Adam. 

He walked around the house towards the back entrance in a direction where Adam wouldn't be able to spot him. They never used that entance but he knew where the spare key was still hidden. The door opened with a crack and lead into a dusty narrow hallway. He put a hand on the wall to steady himself. It’s not real, he told himself, you are drunk and you need to go the fuck to bed. 

He looked up and saw a framed picture on the wall. It had hung there for as long as he could remember, one among hundreds of his father’s dream objects. The motive of it changed when you looked at it but not always. Sometimes it would be the same figures and colours for days, only with slight variations. It happened that a motive changed and then the same one came back months, even years, later. It had been Matthew that solved the mystery and not himself. It mirrored your emotions, your mood, your fears. An invisible artist stealing the minds of others to shape it’s work. Ronan was sure he would never have figured it out on his own. He had learned to keep his own away, to paint the emotions he did not want to deal with over with new ones. Sadness became anger. Longing became disinterest. Love became fear. The painting was somehow able to see through that in a way people were not. He had avoided it since the day Niall Lynch was killed. 

He expected the picture to be black now, to be only sharp objects, beaks and knives, but instead he saw a beautiful slippery scenery of bright lights falling into a lake of tar. It was as if it was telling him;_ you are in love _ and; _ you are losing it _ all at once.

He looked away from it and walked towards the kitchen. He opened a cabinet and pulled out a full bottle of vodka from the back. He was not quiet while doing this and so a moment later, Chang and Blue were walking into the kitchen, there arms tied together in what look like a disguised attempt to keep her from falling down. 

“There you are,” Blue said the second she saw him. “Adam is waiting for you outside.” 

“Go fuck yourself, Sarget,” he hissed and turned to walk away.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Blue snapped back. 

“Adam is the one who wanted to see your stupid faces. I tolerate you idiots.”

Ronan slammed the door behind him. He could just faintly hear the sound of Gansey screaming his name in a way he had not done for months. 

He went to his childhood bedroom and took a long sip of the vodka bottle while sitting on the mattress. The taste was harsh and overpowering. In the past it had always been the lead up to destruction. The taste in the back of his mouth as he speeded of into the darkness or got into a fight. He had told himself that he did not want a fight tonight but maybe he did. Maybe he had to.

There was a hard knock on the door. Adam did not wait for permission before he barged in. He had on a dark blue shirt that he had spent a lifetime ironing before the guests arrived. “Is this really why we can’t stay in bed? Nerd,” Ronan had teased him. It was typical Parrish behavior. He wanted to look put together, to blend in, even among the people he trusted the most. He was the opposite from Ronan himself who’s steps had the sound of a ticking bomb, who’s appearance made people change direction. 

He looked up from the bottle at Adam. He tried not to let his face reveal anything like his father had taught him to do when he was in front of an unpredictable opponent. Something in Adam’s face was equally unreadable. He looked hurt or annoyed. He could also just be tired from pining so much for what he couldn't have. Ronan remembered what that was like.

“I waited for you outside,” Adam said. 

Ronan shrugged and lifted the bottle to take another sip, but Adam stopped him. The feeling of the rough skin on Adam’s hands made him feel paralyzed. That was the only reason why Adam managed to take it from him so easily. Ronan wondered whether he was aware of the extent of his effect on him. 

“You had enough now,” Adam said and closed the bottle with the lit on the bedside table. “Gansey is pissed at you.” 

“Sargent is a big girl, she can talk for herself.” Ronan could feel the way his words slurred as they left his mouth. He tried to focus on a spot on the wall to steady himself. 

“She’s pretty pissed at you too.”

“I’m more pissed at her.” 

Adam looked at him with a raised eyebrow in a way that wordlessly convaid the word _ really? _

“Of course you can’t fucking see.”

“You don’t hate Blue. You’re just drunk out of your mind right now,” Adam sighed. He reached to touch his cheek but Ronan instantly flinched at the movement. Adam quickly looked away and got up from the bed. 

Ronan could feel his hands tightening into fists. 

“You’re the one who likes her,” Ronan said through clenched teeth. He could feel Adam’s eyes on him from the door where he was now standing, but he refused to meet them. “Why don’t you just go and fuck her. Ask if she and Gansey wants a threesome, then you don’t have to deal with my shit.”

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Adam pronounced each word so deliberately that it sounded like he really meant it, that it wasn’t simply an insult but a legit question, the same one Ronan had asked himself countless of times. In the end there were so many answers to this question that he had given up trying to define it. It was as if he was made of more wrong than right. 

Ronan did not answer him. He kept looking down. 

When Adam left he slammed the door hard. 

Ronan hid his face in his hands. He did not know what to do. 

He got up and kicked the mattress. He looked up and saw the toy car standing on top of the closet and it tore at him. It had been a mistake to think that they could ever exist outside of his head. Adam had been starving for anyone to touch him while Ronan had longed for him like air. How could that ever be equal? It couldn’t be.

It couldn’t. 

He felt the first hit the hardest. It vibrated through his knuckles like waves of pain.

Once he had slung his fist at the wall for the first time, it was only so easy to do it again, to let the destruction heal the beast in his chest. Lose the feeling of loss in pain.

“What the -” he heard from behind him. He hadn’t even noticed the door opening. A second later he felt the hand on his shoulder. _ “Ronan.” _

Adam said his name so softly that it was almost drowned out by the sound of fists hitting the wall. “Ronan, stop, please.” 

“Get off me,” Ronan hissed but Adam didn’t move his hand, he tightened his grip, trying to pull Ronan away from the wall. They stumbled backwards and when he found his footing again Ronan pushed Adam’s hands of himself. 

“Are you insane? Why -” 

“I'm not your problem, Parrish, remember that? That's what you said, right here in this fucking house and i'm still not your problem, so just get the fuck out.” 

“Why are you -” 

“What the hell do you think? This was stupid, the second Blue is all over you, you go -”

“Blue? You think -”

“Don't fucking try me. You were all over each other outside when you thought no one was looking, her fucking hands on your thigh in there, lingering eyes and shit. Im not fucking stupid, so just get the fuck out, now, Parrish. I don’t do this half ass shit.” 

“Blue’s with Gansey, I’m with you and -”

“But you want her.” 

“Shut up and let me talk!” Adam hissed, The Henrietta accent stumbling out. “I don’t. I don’t want her. I want …” 

“I know you think you want this, but you want anyone, you're so desperate for -”

“Fuck you, Ronan.” Something in Adam’s face had fallen. Hearing him say his name instead of Lynch somehow made it worse. It was shame, the look Adam wore now. It was anger mirrored back. _ “Fuck you.” _

Ronan knew he had hit a nerve but he needed him to leave. “You need to get the fuck out, Parrish. Take your cheap ass shit and - ”

Adam picked up the bottle of liquor and smashed it against the wall over the bed where they had first kissed. Ronan remembered how inevitable it had felt when he leaned forward. Almost as inevitable as this, the wreckage, the wrath. Adam picked up his keys from the floor where they had fallen out of his Aglionby jacket from earlier when Ronan was undressing him. It was like a different time. A different Adam. You’re ruining it, the voice said. It was faint now. Drowned out by the noise. 

Tell him you’re sorry. Tell him you’re terrified. 

“Go,” Ronan told him.

This time Adam did. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you thought chapter two was heavy ...


	5. Violent Morning Light

The morning light was violent because it spoke the truth. 

It revealed the monsters of the dark as only figures of trees. Broken glass. Alcohol soaked into everything. Their clothes still spathed on the floor like blood. Ronan closed his eyes and remembered seeing the view of Adam’s Hondayota driving off from the window again and again and again.

He reached for his phone. No missed calls or texts. He dialed Adam’s number.

_ Pick up, pick up, pick up. _

Adam did not pick up.

Ronan had slept in Matthews’ room and this was the first time he was back in his own room since the fight. It looked worse than he had thought. Somehow the light made it look worse. Yesterday had been blind anger and now it was all open eyes, light falling on everything, exposing it like wounds that had been hidden beneath clothes for too long. 

From downstairs he could hear the sound of people moving around. It reminded him of the days where the house had been so full of noise, lives happening, laughter, voices; raised and soft, back when he had a family that was whole. He wanted to pretend it was them, his father, mother and brothers preparing for another uneventful day. Gansey would say that he still had a family. He had Matthew for better and Declan for worse. He had them, the gang of people he had collected through life, who were somehow still in his house despite of everything he had done last night. That’s family too, Gansey would say. And he would be right and wrong all at once. 

Ronan was so used to Gansey’s unwavering loyalty. How he could always be sure of his forgiveness. Adam did not work like that.

Ronan knew he had fucked up. 

Whether he had been right or wrong or somewhere inbetween. He had still fucked up. 

He opened his closet and found a sweater at the bottom of it, tugged away under endless stacks of expensive jeans. He picked it up. The fabric was rough from being washed so many times. He still buried his face in it and inhaled the smell. His hands were shaking slightly. 

He could still not shake off the feeling that he would always be the one who wanted it more, always the one who would go to every length that existed for Adam. He had already showed that he would rather die than hurt him. _ There’s more than one way to hurt people, _ he could hear Gansey say. _ Maybe there’s more than one way to love them too. _

_ \---- _

When Ronan came down Gansey was sitting at the dining table with an open book in front of him. He looked tired which was no mystery. Last night he had been the one to talk Ronan down, to stop him from hitting or wrecking more things, to hide his keys away and tell him to go to sleep. While Ronan was rich he was still certain that he would never be able to pay back the emotional debt he had to Gansey. Without him he would have been dead by now. 

“Did you get some sleep?” Gansey asked.

Ronan shrugged while avoiding his eyes. 

“Sit down.” 

“No. I need to go find him.” 

“Adam is alright. I spoke to him last night after he got home.” 

“I still -”

“Ronan, _ no _. He has a shift at Boyds soon. You really think Adam is going to want to have this talk with you at his workplace? There’s no need to give him more reasons to be mad at you than he already has.” 

“I have to fix it now.” 

“When he’s home, I’ll give you back your keys and then you can drive up there - and I’m counting in the fact that you’re probably going to be speeding like a mad person to get there.” 

“I thought you weren't going to meddle in our relationship.” 

“At this point I’m just trying to minimize the damage.” 

“You know I can just dream a second pair of keys, right?” 

“Dream yourself a new idiot to watch over you while you’re at it then.”

Ronan flipped him off. He felt tired to the bones. 

He heard the sound of clicking hooves and looked up to see Opel walking in from the kitchen. In her hand she had an old half-eaten piece of bark. When she went to him and put her hands up in the air he allowed her to climb onto his lap, since she was the only one left in the house, who had no reason to be mad at him. 

“Blue told me to say you have a dumb ass,” Opel informed him. 

_ “That you are a dumbass! _” Blue yelled from the kitchen. Opel looked as if she wasn't really sure what the difference was. 

“You should go talk to her,” Gansey whispered. “She’s still pretty angry.” 

Ronan tried to not roll his eyes but Gansey still looked at him as if he had. You could always count on Blue Sargent to hold onto a grudge. 

Ronan put Opel back down and walked into the kitchen with his arms folded over his chest. Blue was standing at the stove waiting for the water to boil. She had her hair tied back in a messy bun and looked unmistakably hungover. 

The little part of him that still felt self-righteous remained pissed at her. Whether she knew it or not, last night would never have happened if she hadn’t been there to lurk out the jealous beast in his chest. 

“Is this your next vindictive plan? To turn my dream-daughter against me?” 

_“Vindictive,”_ she sighed. “I have a headache already, could you please save your sexist bullshit for some other day.” 

“There’s a jar of pills in the bathroom that help with hangovers. I dreamt them. ”

“Right now I'm not sure I trust you enough to believe they're not made of poison.“ 

“Why are you so pissy?”

“Are you kidding me? You made me out to be some cheating, boyfriend-hoking lunatic last night. You’re not even going to apologize?” 

“This is not about you.”

“I’m very aware that this is about your emotional incapacities, Lynch, but you still dragged me in the middle of it.”

“Sorry for the disturbance,” he said with obvious disinterest. 

“I think you need to stop hating me because of Adam. If you really want to hate me, you need to at least come up with a new reason because this is getting old. We never even kissed.” 

“He wanted to badly. If you had wanted him back, then -”

“We would have killed each other by now,” she interrupted. “I may not have been able to do it with a kiss, but I could probably have found something sharper than my mouth.”

“You were fucking all over him last night. Leaning on him. Putting your feet in his lap.” 

“I honestly don’t remember it but by the end of the night Gansey said, that I was about to swallow a worm because Henry had dared me to. If I put my arm around Adam or something like that it was not intentional, also, Lynch, you could have just told me what you were thinking. I had no idea you still felt this way about me and Adam.” 

Ronan didn’t answer. He knew she was right but he was not quite ready to give her the satisfaction of that. 

“This is why you were so against me when we first met wasn’t it?”

He give her a stern look. 

“You must have liked him a long time. Love at first fight type of thing.” 

Ronan raised an eyebrow at her. “There was a shit ton of good reasons for me to dislike you. A lot of them still stand.” 

“I just so happen to know where Gansey hid your car keys, so if I was you I’d play my cards a little better.” She turned around and went to fetch one of the mugs on the top shelf, which she was only able to reach by standing on her toes. Ronan suddenly thought of something.

“What did you and Adam talk about last night? Out on the porch.” 

“Ask him yourself.” 

“He’s not here.” 

She put the mug back on the countertop and walked to the fridge. From the bottom shelf she pulled out the keys which were hidden beneath a lettuce head. 

“Go get him then,” she said and threw the keys at him. 

He managed to catch them and looked down in his hand like they were a part of his flesh that he had finally gotten back. 

“I will think about it,” Ronan said and when Blue looked at him confused, he added: “A new reason to hate you.”

She sighed and he was once again struck by how she somehow always managed to look much more intimidating than someone her size should be capable of. “You could just love me, if you prefer it. Or like me if you want to try that out first.” 

“Thanks,” he said and looked down at the keys.

As much as he did not like admitting it, Blue Sargent was not the worst thing that had ever happened to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost at the end, guys. I'm so exited to share the final chapter with you in a couple of days. I really appreciate all of you leaning comments and kudos!


	6. Is this your apology?

Adam barely managed to get four hours of sleep that night. 

Before he calmed back down he had paced the floor. He had kicked over the few possessions he owned and thrown the phone Ronan had dreamt for him out of the window. Even the apartment itself had felt wrong, the walls was like an extra layer of skin he wanted desperately to shed, because Ronan was everywhere in that place just like he was everywhere in Adam’s thoughts. 

_ You just want anyone. You´re so desperate. _

_ I’m not your problem, Parrish. _

Adam was relieved that he had the shift at Boyds’ just so he had something to do. He arrived there earlier than he had scheduled but it seemed like Boyd barely noticed. Adam tried to focus on the work only, to be nothing but tasks and goals. Get the job done, go home, eat, study, sleep, don't think about him, don't think about him, don't think about him. Still what Ronan had said echoed everywhere. _ You want anyone. You´re so desperate. _

When he finally spotted the BMW parked out in front of the garage, he was not surprised, nor was he at all surprised at the figure leaning against it. Ronan wore a leather jacket and a dark distant look in his eyes. Adam didn’t feel ready to talk to him yet. The kind of arguments they had back in the early days of their friendship often had them not speaking for days, but this was different. The sting was deeper this time, more deadly, because it came with questions. Will it always be like this? How can we ever work when we both have anger rooted so deeply? 

Boyd walked past him as he was just about to start at new task. He looked out and saw the shiny car and the sharp boy leaning up against it. Then he shifted his eyes back to Adam. “Looks like your friend is here. You can go if you want, Parrish.” 

“My shift isn’t over yet.”

“It’s a bit of a slow day, I can take care of the rest myself. You’ve done good today.”

“Thanks,” Adam said. He didn’t know how to explain that he would rather stay there long into the night than face Ronan now. 

“He in trouble or something?” Boyd asked and nodded towards Ronan. 

“Always is, sir.” 

As Adam changed into his regular clothes, he was trying to drag out the time as much as he could, folding the legs of his overalls carefully before putting them back in his bag. When he walked out to his car, the bag slung over his one shoulder, he kept his eyes on the Hondayota only. He was aware that he could not ignore Ronan completely but also determined to at least try. 

“Adam.” 

Adam stopped. Ronan’s voice sounded like a whisper, like the kind of silence that followed a confession. 

“Hi,” Ronan said. Adam finally looked up at him. He had his hands in his pockets and his stance looked nervous. Adam wondered if a stranger would be able to see this or if it was something that came with knowing him. 

“Why are you here?”

“I wanted to …” Ronan fidgeted with the leather bands on his wrist while searching for the words.“I’m so fucking bad at this.”

“I need to get home anyway.” 

“Let me drive you.”

“I have my own car.”

“Then let me fucking drive with you -” there was a crack in Ronan’s voice and he paused to steady himself. “I just need to talk to you.”

It was not a side of him Adam was used to seeing. Usually when he got like this, he would retreat, run off to be alone, build the walls back up. 

“And what about your car?”

“It's a car. You can drive me back when we´re done talking.”

Adam wanted to be over it. To be done. To go back to feeling stable enough so that he could eat, sleep, read without the letters fleeting from his mind. He knew he would not be able to do this before they had resolved things. “Fine,” he mumbled. He opened the door to the back and throw in his bag before he sat down in the front seat.

It had been a while since Ronan was last in his car. He had almost barricaded himself at the Barns and while Adam had asked him about it, he had never demanded an answer. 

Adam glanced at him while he drove. Ronan kept looking out of the window, his lips slightly parting once in a while, only to be closed again. Adam could not remember when he had last felt this kind of tension with anyone. 

“Is your phone broken?” 

“What?” 

“Your phone,” Ronan repeated. “I called you ten times or something. Last night, this morning.” 

“I didn't want to talk to you.” Adam grabbed the wheel tighter. “I still don´t.”

“Good thing I drove here then.”

“I let you ride along because you were begging me and it seemed like you had something to say. Clearly that was stupid of me.” 

Ronan took a deep breath and then glanced at him.“I don’t know what to say without ruining it or making it worse or some shit.”

“That’s really what you think of me? That I’m some kind of monster that’ll rather be with someone else, that I’ll just run of because you said the wrong word. You really don’t think I deserve better than that by now?” 

“Adam, two months ago, if someone had asked you if you could ever see yourself with me, you would have said no. Don’t tell me that’s nothing.” 

“Is this your apology?” 

Ronan was quiet. 

“That all?”

"Adam," he whispered so low it was barely audible. 

“You want me to just drop you off by the road then, so you can walk back to your car?”

Ronan’s face hardened. For a second Adam was scared he would begin to punch something again, that they would somehow end up worse than where they started. Adam slowed down the car.

“The fuck do you want me to say then, Parrish? That I messed up, that I am a mess, that I'm so fucking terrified that you're going to leave, that i'd rather just push you out the damn door myself since I’m so fucking in love with you, which I can't even say because that shit scares you too much.” Ronan turned from him and reached for the door. “You know what, fuck this.” 

Ronan opened the car door and stumbled out in one swift motion with the kind of certainty that only came with being more reckless than could ever be good for you. 

“You can't just get out of a moving car!”

“Clearly I can!” Ronan snorted after him.

Before he even had a chance to think it through, Adam had pulled over to the side. He was lucky that it was a small road in a small town because he had no doubt Ronan, who always followed his own impulses relentlessly, would have pulled this move on any type of road.

“Lynch!” he called but got no response. Ronan gave no indication of having heard him and kept walking with total disregard for anything. “Lynch!”

“Why is everything so extreme with you?!” Adam yelled. He was too tired at this point to keep up with Ronan’s pace and so he paused. He watched as Ronan continued down the road, the panic in his own chest growing with the distance between them. 

"What the hell is wrong with you?! You have to wreck everything to see if I'll run after you! Which by the way, here's your answer! _ I will!” _

Ronan suddenly stopped dead in his tracks. Even from the back at a distance away he looked defeated, his shoulders slumped over, his head bowed.

Adam started running again.

When he reached him he wrapped his arms around him from behind. Adam could feel him shaking. He was pretty certain from the way his muscles were contracting that he was either crying or trying hard not to. Adam tightened his grip. 

“Sorry,” Ronan whispered. 

Adam kissed the back of his neck and rested his head on his shoulder. He almost wanted to close his eyes, to indulge in the sensation. He felt heavy and light, miserable and relieved, he wanted to be near and be gone. He wanted to kiss him, to scream at him, to tell him they were going to be okay. 

I’m in love with you too, he did not say. Instead he said: “Let’s go home.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wuh. This scene was actually really hard to write because there's so much push and pull, so many moods, but I think I managed to get it right at the end.  
Also, I’m apparently terrible at foreseeing how long my stories are going to be and I ended up adding an extra chapter - it will be up a little later today.  
You may have noticed that the rating has also changed to “explicit” and you’ll see why in the next chapter. I had never expected to write a sex scene, but suddenly it was there and so I went with it. If that’s not your thing, I will write a little note in the beginning on where you can skip to.


	7. Meet me in the Afterglow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you want to skip the sex scene just go from where the shower is first mentioned and continue after the "---"  
Enjoy!

They had barely made it upstairs to Adam’s St. Agnes apartment, before Ronan had him pressed up against the door. He had been quiet when they got back in the car. He had put his hand out silently next to the gearshift, palm up and Adam had taken it. The way he was kissing him now was urgent, it was leading somewhere, which was classic Ronan behaviour, trying to get them back to speaking the language in which he was fluent. Adam had other plans though. Right now what they had was truce. Nothing had been resolved, not really. The only cards they had both put on the table was  _ I don’t want to lose you, _ but it was not enough. 

“Let’s talk,” Adam said, breaking the kiss. 

“I thought we were done with that.” 

“Let me ask you a question then.”

“Only if it’s whether or not I want to suck your -”

“Ronan, for fucks sake, just sit down, will you.”

Adam grabbed him by the arm and lead him towards the mattress. They sat so close their knees were touching. Adam was taken back to all those nights where he had been sleeping here with Ronan next to him on the floor. He remembered how hard he had tried to press down that initial attraction. How afraid he had been of it. 

“Do you regret it?” Adam asked him. It was not what he had wanted to say but the words slipped out of his mouth, before he had a chance to stop them.

Ronan looked confused. “You already know I do. I was out of my mind last night, I screwed up, what else can I say?"

“ _ You were _ but what I meant was … in the car. What you said before you jumped out like a crazy person.”

“When I said I love you.” 

“You actually said you were in love with me.” 

“Sounds like you were listening closely,” Ronan remarked. “It’s not like you didn’t already know it. You pay too much attention not to have noticed it. Should I be embarrassed, Parrish?” 

“No, I just meant, when I didn’t say it back. It wasn’t because, I don’t ...”

“Adam, I know it’s different for you.” 

“But I see it. The way you look at me sometimes like you’re not sure if I’m going to be gone in an hour and I just need you to know that I’m not.” Adam gently put a hand behind Ronan’s neck and leaned so close to him that their lips were only inches apart. “I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t in this all the way.”

The words had barely left his mouth before Ronan closed the distance between them and kissed him again. After a few minutes of this Adam leaned back on the mattress so that his back was fully rested against it. Ronan quickly followed, putting his head on Adam’s chest. 

“You done now?” Ronan asked while tugging at the hem of Adam’s shirt. “With the talking.” 

“One more question. Why are we never here? Why are we always at the barns?”

“We've been here.”

“I think we've been here twice since we started going out. You spent the night once and when I woke up you were gone,” Adam said and then in a different voice added: “I worry about you a lot.” 

Ronan was silent. Adam wasn’t sure if it was because he didn’t know what to say or if it was because he didn’t know how to phrase it. He moved his arm so that it lay rested on the his back to pull him closer as if to silently say i’m here. 

“It’s stupid. I don’t even know how the hell to explain it.”

“Just try.” 

“It’s this feeling that I have. That if I leave for too long, it’ll just disappear for good too like everything else. When I’m with you there or alone or just working on the farm I forget it all, what happened, but when we’re out or everyone is there, sometimes the only thing I can see is what’s not there, the things we lost and I just want to run from it. It’s - I told you, it's stupid.” 

“You’re not going to lose anything.”

“I know that, Parrish, but it’s a shit ton easier to say when you’ve never found your father dead out in a field.”

“I wasn’t trying to make it sound like it's nothing. Whatever you need, I want to be there.”

“I know how to take care of myself.” 

“First of all, you don’t. And I want to take care of you. I want you to be my problem.”

Ronan seemed taken aback by the reference to the previous night. “Have we talked enough now or do you want me to depress you more?” Ronan asked after a moment. 

Adam smiled at the sudden change of subject. At least he knew who he was dealing with. 

“You’re really still in the mood?”

“I just don’t want to talk. Unless you have some boring nerd facts to share.” 

“You’re the worst,” Adam whispered still he couldn’t help but smile. He felt at ease with Ronan in a way he had never been able to with other people. 

Ronan loosened his arms around him and shifted position so they lay face to face. Adam closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He let his hand run to the back of Ronan’s buzzed head. It must have been a while since he had shaved it last. The feeling of short rough hair growing back scratched against his hand.

“I know it’s a little out of control,” Ronan mumbled. Adam opened his eyes again. 

“You ever considered growing it back?” 

“No.” Ronan looked up at him in a questioning way. “You want me to?”

“Maybe. At some point.” Adam tried to imagine it but he couldn’t quite see it. He had never known him without the buzzed head. “It’d be weird though.” 

“I wouldn’t look like the thug type you fell for.” 

Adam laughed at this. “Thrust me, that’s not why I fell for you. I fell for you despite of all your attitudes problems, when we first met I thought you were the most arrogant idiot.”

“What changed then?”

“Well, I found out I was right.”

_ “Asshole.” _

“And then I found out that you’re also really soft actually -” Ronan sniffed at this. “- and honest and loyal and not just some annoyingly attractive rich boy.” 

Ronan tried to look insulted but Adam still noticed the blush in his cheeks, which he knew he would never be able to get him to admit to. For Adam the mystery had always been the other way around. Why Ronan had picked him of all people. Adam was certain he would never be able to really grasp it or understand it fully, but because Ronan was who he was, he had never had to doubt whether it was genuine.

“As much as I like to see you all serious and boring,” Ronan said, “if you don’t get naked within the next five minutes I’m going to seriously reconsider whether It's even worth fighting with you, if we can’t have make-up sex.”

“Smooth, Lynch.”

Adam felt Ronan’s hand travel up under his shirt and he let out a low sound that he was in no way proud of. 

“You know I haven’t showered, right?”

“All the better.” Ronan turned around so that he could straddle Adam who let out a small laugh that was quickly disrupted by Ronan’s mouth. Ronan kissed him deeply, tongues brushing against each other, the scratch of stubbles against lips that Adam had never expected to crave so much. It was Ronan who undressed both of them, unhooking the buttons, throwing each piece of fabric to the floor until they were all skin against skin against skin. 

They had only recently taken the next step from blowjobs and rushed handjobs. At first they had been careful and slow but after the initial first times it quickly became as hungry and hurried as everything else with them. This time was different though. Ronan was slower, running his hands and lips over every part of Adam’s body as if he was both memorizing and marking him at once. It was soft and careful in a way that almost brought the word worship to Adam’s mind. He was so achingly hard that he could barely take it. 

“ _ Ronan. _ Get to it, will you.”

“Shh.”

“There’s lube and condoms in the bathroom.”

“Shut up, Parrish, we are nowhere near there.”

“You are such a -  _ fuck.” _ Adam was cut off by the feeling of Ronan licking the length of his cock. Adam let a hand cub the back of Ronan’s head as he kept going. He had to keep reminding himself that they were at a church. 

Adam turned them over so that Ronan was the one on his back. He wrapped his hand around Ronan's cock as he kissed his neck and then his mouth. Ronan tried to reach for Adam too but he wouldn’t let him. Sex had always been about power for them too. It was a war where instead of inflicting pain, you inflicted pleasure. 

Adam moved his hand away so that he could kiss him deeper, get lost in only that, before he got up and walked to the bathroom to get what they needed. When he came back Ronan was laying with an arm rested behind his head. He looked up at him. Something about the way the light fell on his pale skin felt otherworldly. 

As soon as he got near the mattress Ronan grabbed him and pushed him onto his back again, so that he was on top himself. Ronan helped him put on the condom, while Adam begin to finger Ronan. He was surprised when Ronan almost immediately grabbed both of his wrists and pressed them down over his head. 

“You don’t want me to -”

Ronan shut him up with a kiss. He sank down on him so slowly that Adam almost had to bite his own tongue to keep himself from moving faster. It had never been like this. It was not simply an act to fulfill a hunger but an act to become one, a plea to stay close. Adam rested his head on Ronan's shoulder and tightened the grip around his hips. 

He let Ronan have the control, watched him with awe, until he couldn’t take it anymore. He shifted their positions so that he was on top of him. It took them a moment to re-adjust but soon they were all heated bodies reaching for each other, each thrust deep and hard, Ronan’s nails digging into his back. 

“I’m not gonna last,” Adam said breathlessly.

“Don’t then.” 

Adam felt the orgasm rush over him only seconds later. He held Ronan closer, feeling the rapid beat of his heart against his own chest. One of Adam’s hand travelled further down to wrap a hand around him again and soon Ronan was coming too, muttering something inaudible under his breath. Adam kissed his jawline, wiping his hand in the sheet that needed to be changed anyway now.

Ronan rolled over, still with one arm folded over Adam’s chest. The mattress was so narrow that it was impossible for them not to touch but neither of them wanted that anyway. The way Ronan was looking at him, the way he was looking back. It was more than he ever thought he could have with anyone. 

\---

  
  
  


They spent most of the rest of the day in bed only interrupted by a short shower and a drive down to a fast-food chain. Ronan let Adam pay. Sometimes it seemed they were just trying to zigzag their way out of each others insecurities endlessly, trying not to crash together, doing it anyway, rebuilding, finding their way back. As they were in bed late into the night, Adam was running his hand over the back of Ronan’s head. “I can shave it if you want,” he whispered.

To Ronan it somehow sounded more like a question than an offer, more like  _ can I _ than  _ if you want me to.  _

“It looks that bad, huh?” 

“You were going to do it anyway, right?” 

Ronan nodded. 

For a long time it had almost been a rituel for him. Standing in front of the mirror and running the sharp blade over his head. The first time when he had cut all his hair off, it had almost felt like a relief, seeing the destruction and pain he was feeling reflected in such a visual way, like saying to the world I am the blade and the wound all at once. Don’t come near. 

He let Adam do it. They stationed themselves in the small bathroom, Adam on the toilet and Ronan rested up against his legs. The air was thick with something he had no words for. Adam was being so careful in shaving him, his hands shaking slightly, in a way that made Ronan trust that he was not going to leave. Just because it had shown itself to him in a different way, a way that was slower, more deliberate, it didn't mean it was less. 

“It’s difficult around the ears,” Adam said. “I don't want to cut you.”

“Its okay, if you cut me. It's not the first time.“

“I still don't want to.” 

The way he said it made Ronan smile. There was something about this night. He didn’t want it to end. When they were done and Ronan had washed his head with cold water, they walked downstairs into the empty church and sat down in the back row, wrapped up in each other, Ronan leaned against Adam, neither of them saying anything. 

Sometimes he felt little stabs of shame, from having showed to much, shared to much, but then he leaned back closer to Adam and he knew this was a feeling he wanted to get used to. He wanted to be known by him. Or maybe the shame was connected to the fact that he was sitting there, in the church that he came to every sunday to pray, with a boy he had just slept with. He wanted to let it go completely, to be free of it, the shame, but he knew parts of it was still left. Still this was a place where he found peace. Where he felt connected. 

“I love you too,” Adam whispered in his ear.

Ronan closed his eyes. He let himself believe it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end, the end, the end.  
This is the first work of fiction I have ever written in English. In the past I’ve only written fiction in my native language and some academic things in English, so it’s a bit of a new direction for me and I was quite nervous to share it. For that reason I would really love feedback, comments, any kind of love, help, tips, etc. is everything.   
As I mentioned the beginning the story takes inspiration from “Afterglow” by Taylor Swift - if you read the lyrics, it’s very much there. In general there’s a lot of small references to the “Lover” album, especially the songs “The Archer” “Daylight” “False God” “Death by a thousand cuts” “Cornelia street” (basically a lot of the songs with romantic love themes) but obviously, It’s Afterglow to the bones.   
Thanks again for reading. I hope you enjoyed it.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this first part. The action will really begin in the next chapter. I believe it will probably be up in the beginning of next week.


End file.
